🌿 Day 5: Plan B for the Holidays

In Day Four you learned why effort, control, and willpower don’t create emotional change—and how understanding capacity, not character, opens the door to healing. In Day Five of our free 6-day holiday series learn a Plan B for the Holidays / Protecting Yourself in Family Dynamics.

A Gentle Way to Navigate What’s Changeable—and Protect Yourself Where It Isn’t

Once you’ve accepted emotional limits and stopped trying to fix your family, something subtle but powerful often happens:

You gain clarity about where your energy is actually worth investing.

This clarity is not resignation.
It’s discernment.

In Changeable, Dr. J. Stuart Ablon names this discernment through three approaches: Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. When applied to adult family relationships—especially those shaped by emotional immaturity—these plans help you engage consciously rather than reactively.

The Three Plans, Applied to Family Relationships

Plan A: Imposing Your Will

You decide. You insist. You push.

This often looks like:

• Arguing your point

• Setting rules without buy-in

• Trying to “win” the interaction

Plan A can be necessary for safety or non-negotiables, but in emotionally charged family systems it often:

• Triggers defensiveness

• Reinforces power struggles

• Deepens distance

For many adult children, Plan A echoes childhood dynamics where control replaced connection.

Plan C: Letting It Go

You drop your concern to preserve peace or protect yourself.

Plan C is not giving up. It’s prioritizing:

• Your nervous system

• Your emotional safety

• The long-term relationship

• Your limited energy

When emotional immaturity is high and flexibility is low, Plan C is often the most regulated, self-respecting choice.

Choosing Plan C means accepting:

This is not something I can change—and that’s not a failure.

Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving

Plan B is the middle path.

It is used only when:

• The issue is recurring

• There is enough emotional regulation to talk

• You are not seeking emotional validation

• You want a more workable, practical arrangement

Plan B is not about emotional closeness.
It is about shared problem-solving around what’s possible.

This is where Changeable complements Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:

• Acceptance comes first.

• Then collaboration—only where capacity exists.

What Plan B Looks Like in Real Life

Plan B works because it is a nervous-system process, not just a communication strategy. The sequence matters.

Step 1: Empathy — Regulate Before You Relate

Goal: Reduce threat so the other person can stay present.

This is not emotional intimacy or validation.
It’s understanding what makes the issue hard for them.

Examples:

• “I want to understand what makes this difficult for you.”

• “Can you walk me through what happens on your side?”

• “What’s the hardest part about this?”

Empathy here:

• Calms the nervous system

• Reduces defensiveness

• Increases flexibility

You’ll know it’s working when their tone softens or they add detail.
Stay here longer than feels efficient—this step does most of the work.

Step 2: Your Concern — Clear, Calm, Contained

Goal: Name what matters to you without triggering threat.

Use the simple structure:

“My concern is… because…”

Examples:

• “My concern is that last-minute changes overwhelm me.”

• “My concern is that raised voices make it hard for me to stay present.”

Avoid:

• Character judgments

• Long explanations

• Emotional dumping

Brevity protects the conversation—especially with emotionally immature people.

Step 3: Invitation — Solve What’s Solvable

Goal: Find a solution that respects both limits.

Examples:

• “Do you have any ideas that could help with both of our concerns?”

• “What feels doable from your side?”

• “Could we treat this as an experiment?”

This is not compromise or compliance.
It’s mutual feasibility.

Sometimes, even emotionally immature family members can engage at this level—especially when conversations are concrete, calm, and time-limited.

Knowing When to Step Back

Plan B is powerful—but it is not always appropriate.

If:

• The person shuts down immediately

• The conversation becomes manipulative

• You feel emotionally unsafe

• Your needs are consistently dismissed

Then returning to Plan C—acceptance, distance, and self-protection—is the healing move.

You are not failing.
You are responding accurately to reality.

The Real Gift of This Framework

Plan B isn’t about fixing your family.

It’s about:

• Reducing unnecessary conflict

• Preserving your energy

• Letting go of false responsibility

• Choosing engagement consciously

When combined with Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it allows you to hold two truths at once:

I accept who you are.
And I choose how I engage.

That choice—made with clarity and compassion—is healing.

🎄 Coming Tomorrow: Day 6 — Christmas Day
A closing reflection on integration, observation, journaling, and using this holiday not as a test—but as a turning point.